


Five Times Deadpool Asks Spider-Man Out (And the One Time it actually Works)

by WarMageCentral



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Breaking the Fourth Wall, But there are swans, Deadpool humour, Does Spidey got a booty?, Gratuitous wooing, Happy but then some sads???, He doooo, In Deadpool's opinion anyway, Just a wee bit sad, M/M, Swearing?, and things get happy again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 20:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2202381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarMageCentral/pseuds/WarMageCentral
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade Wilson's five failed attempts of asking Spider-Man out on a date.<br/>Then he succeeds without even thinking about it.</p><p>(UPDATE: Now available in Russian! Check notes)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Deadpool Asks Spider-Man Out (And the One Time it actually Works)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi hi, so this is my first ever Spideypool fic, and only my second fic for the Marvel fandom, so you'll have to forgive me if this goes completely tits-up and consider this my trial run. Also I wrote this between 4 and 6am so some typos may appear, sorry!  
> Warnings for silliness and abuse of the Boxes but apart from that I hope you enjoy!
> 
> UPDATE: This fic was translated into Russian by the lovely uselessgeneration! http://ficbook.net/readfic/2365106/6483967

**1**

Tonight is the night.

[Technically, every night is the night.]

Tonight, however, is decidedly _the_ night.

[Yes, because that’s much more specific.]

Because tonight is the night that Wade Wilson asks Peter Parker for his hand in marriage!

[Or to go on a date.]

(Whichever he agrees to first, really.)

Wade knows better than most of the magical ability to win anyone’s heart on Valentine’s Day with little more that a small romantic gesture. So, taking no chances, Wade heads out to woo Spidey with a considerably large romantic gesture that in no way involves gas station flowers.

(Classy bitch.)

Oh yeah, tonight is the night!

~~~

“Wade, where the fuck’s my furniture?” Peter screeches the moment he walks through his front door.

“Well, the bed’s still there.” Wade Reasons.

“Oh well at least-- Wait, how did you even get into my apartment?!”

Tonight was shaping up to _not_ be the night, after all. It’s a mystery really, Wade did _everything right_.

“Deadpool, _are those fucking swans?”_

(Oh, shit.)

[Not even ‘Wade’ anymore.]

(He’s fucked.)

[Perhaps the swans _were_ a bit overkill.]

“Hey, I maintain that Tom and Jerry are the pinnacle of romantic gestures!”

“Tom and-- What?” Peter interrupts Wade’s argument with a tilt of his head and a scrunch of his eyebrows and really he should have called himself Puppy-Man because that shit is just adorable and-- no, wait, Peter’s getting angry again and Wade should probably explain himself.

“Tom and Jerry are the swans, silly sally.”

“Uh huh. And why is my furniture missing?”

Wade blinks. “To make room for the swans.”

“But _why_ are there swans, Wade?” Peter shouts, exasperated.

“Because it’s _Valentine’s Day,”_ Wade says, turning on the exasperation too because surely he should not have to spell this out. “Everyone knows that swans are like _the_ most romantic animal in the world, so I called in a few favours, you know the ‘You scratch my back, I don’t break your legs’ kinda deal and _ta-da!_ ” He finishes in a sing-song, sweeping his hand around the apartment and towards the swans with a flourish.

Peter heaves the weariest of sighs before pinching the bridge of his nose and asking very carefully, very quietly, “Why are you doing this, Wade?”

“Uh…”

[No time for gallantry, spit it out, man!]

“Be my valentine?” Wade asks with what he hopes is his most charming smile and not the expression of a man you’d find masturbating over you while you sleep because that’d probably hinder his cause more than anything.

“Nope. Bye Wade.” and, simple as that, without another word, Peter is opening his apartment door and attempting to herd Tom and Jerry out of it. It’s not long until Wade gets the same treatment and after a moment he finds a door slammed in his face. He realises he has no other option but to do a walk of shame to the elevator and then home, with no valentine date but two swans and the voices in his head.

~~~

It turns out swans don’t like elevators.

 

 

 

 

 

**2**

_Tonight_ is the night.

(Yeah maybe.)

Tonight is the night Wade will win Peter’s love.

[Probably not.]

Because everyone hooks up with their crushes on St Patrick’s Day!

(Mostly teenagers.)

[Wait, how old is Spidey anyway?]

(Old enough to have a nice butt.)

[So much wrong with that sentence, so little room in the story arc.]

Yes, tonight is the night and there’s no way anything can go wrong!

~~~

“Nope. Sorry, Wade.”

“What?” Now Wade just feels silly for coming all the way across town in his best green suit, complete with ginger beard and top hat adorned with shamrocks.

“I don’t celebrate St Patrick’s Day.” Peter says simply with a shrug, as if he hasn’t just shattered all of Wade’s hopes and dreams in one fell swoop.

“But _why?”_

“I’m not Irish.”

(Is this kid even real?)

“When does that ever stop anybody?! Anyone who’s one millionth part Irish celebrates Paddy’s Day! Fuck, anyone who’s ever eaten a potato in their life celebrates Paddy’s Day! I’m pretty sure that the Irish don’t even exist and were created just so we could _have_ St Patrick’s Day!”

[You know for a fact that the Irish exist.]

(Yeah remember we killed that guy, Padraig? He was nice.)

[Until we killed him.]

(Well yeah.)

“Well I just don’t celebrate it,” and oh yeah, external conversations are a thing. “So sorry, but I don’t wanna see your lucky charms tonight.”

Wade begins to walk out of the apartment, before turning back, “When you say _tonight_ , does that mean--?”

“ _Goodbye,_ Wade.” and Deadpool is promptly thrown out of Peter’s apartment, though he swears that he can hear Peter chuckling from behind the door. With that, Wade leaves the apartment building.

[Never mind.]

(Maybe someone else will wanna see your lucky charms!)

~~~

No one does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**3**

_This_ is the night, he can feel it.

[I’m sensing a pattern.]

(I think that’s the point.)

This is the night Wade Wilson will successfully win over Peter Parker!

(Three cheers for alliteration!)

[No.]

Halloween is perfect! For once Wade doesn’t have to feel like a freak in a mask, because everyone else is a freak in a mask!

(Woah, cut scene before this shit gets sentimental.)

[What a healthy mindset.]

Tonight is the night!

~~~

“Trick or treat, baby boy! Though I know which I would prefer--”

“No, Wade.”

Wade looks helplessly at Peter’s door before knocking again. “But you’ll miss my French maid’s costume!”

“My heart will go on, I’m sure.” A slightly muffled Peter Parker replies.

Huffing, Wade toys with the feather duster in his hand for a while.

[Poor guy. He stayed up all night making that dress.]

(The lining on the apron? Flawless!)

“Don’t I at least get _actual_ candy?” He pouts?

A few moments of silence before Wade hears shuffling at the other side of the door, and soon Peter is swinging open the door, bag of candy in hand.

“For your troubles.” He states before handing the bag to Wade, and he almost lets himself believe that Peter’s hand lingers on his for a moment longer than necessary. “Nice costume.” He mutters, taking in Wade’s ensemble as if in a trance, before shaking his head slightly and with a swing of the door and a shouted “Bye!” he’s gone.

Before he’s even aware he’s doing it, like it’s routine by now, Wade begins walking down the hall towards the elevator. Out of spite, he vows to not eat the candy and resolutely don’t even look in the bag as he walks home.

~~~

He eats the candy. It’s delicious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**4**

Tonight _is_ the night!

[Oh no.]

(He doesn’t take hints well does he?)

Tonight he will win the heart of Peter Parker once and for all.

[There’s hints then there’s _this._ ]

Everyone loves carollers! What better way to profess one’s love?

(Dear God.)

[The entire building will form a lynch mob.]

(He’s gonna ruin Christmas.)

Yep, it’s gonna happen tonight! Definitely.

~~~

“Spidey with your suit so bright, won’t you ride my--”

“ _Wade!_ ”

“--tonight? No?” When he doesn’t get a response, not even a laugh from the other side of the door, Wade decides to take off his Santa hat and beard and start the journey home, not stopping to look back at Peter’s apartment.

(Fuck.)

[Fuck.]

(He’s not even _pestering_ Peter any more.)

[He is, indeed, a broken man.]

(Fuck.)

[We’ve established that.]

Wade decides to not be disheartened and promises himself that he _won’t_ go home and cry into a carton of eggnog.

~~~

Wade was never good at keeping promises.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**5**

Tonight _has to be_ the night.

[No.]

Tonight is last chance saloon.

(I can’t watch.)

Because it’s New Year’s Eve and we all know what happens at midnight, right?

[Phone lines jam.]

(People throw up in taxis.)

Exactly! People kiss!

(Can he even hear us anymore?)

[I think he chooses not to listen.]

Tonight is the night, because it’s all he’s got left.

~~~

At 11.58pm Wade knocks on Peter’s door.

Peter doesn’t answer.

(Maybe he’s not at home.)

[Maybe he’s asleep.]

“Maybe I should take the hint.” Wade whispers to himself, before beginning the long walk home. He vows to never go back to Peter’s apartment.

~~~

He’s getting better at keeping promises.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**+1**

Peter finds him one night on the roof of a building, where he really has no right being, I mean does he think because he can shoot webs and has a nice ass that he rules the city or something?

“Hey. Haven’t seen you in a while.” Peter says and sits next to Wade on the ledge of the building. Taking off his mask, he tries to look into Wade’s eyes, silently questioning, and he’s doing the head tilt, and he truly is gorgeous.

[Talk to him, idiot!]

(Tell him!)

“What do you want me to say? ‘Peter I have a serious case of gay love for you, wanna go see a movie or something?’” Imagine the idea!

“Okay.”

Imagine the very thought of Peter accepting-- what?

“What?”

“I said okay.” Peter states with a shrug, as if he hasn’t _broken_ Wade’s _brain_ , the bitch.

“How come you’ve never said yes before?” Wade demands.

“Because you’ve never asked me out before.” Peter says with another shrug and if Wade had hair he’d be pulling it out, because _really?_

“Really? What do you think I’ve been doing for the last _year_ , Pete?”

“Propositioning me!” Peter says with a slightly exasperated tone. “Which I wouldn’t completely mind but I didn’t wanna be your valentine, or your St Patrick’s Day hook-up or your goddamn Halloween treat, okay? Not once have you just asked me out on a date. Until now.” and he finishes his spiel slightly out of breath with a small smile, damn him.

But wait.

“What about New Year’s? You didn’t even _answer_ me that time.”

Peter furrows his eyebrows, before understanding dawns on him and he replies, “I was staying with Aunt May. Sorry, I didn’t know you’d show up.” And he does actually look a little guilty and that makes Wade want to do nothing more than comfort him, but he _can’t_ because Peter doesn’t want--

Wait a minute.

[He’s getting it.]

Wait a second.

(Yep, he’s got it.)

“You _do_ want to go on a date with me!”

Peter barely has time to nod before Wade scoops him up in his arms and begins to prance about the rooftop. Momentary insanity probably but Peter laughs the whole time and that’s good enough for Wade. Anything’s good enough for Wade at this point, because he knows that tonight is the night, the beginning of the rest of his life.

~~~

It was.

 

 

 

_The End._

**Author's Note:**

> So there was that! I hope you enjoyed it and any feedback would be lovely (sorry, I'm one of those people) and I hope you have a safe and pleasant onward journey!


End file.
